Our busy thoughts hide our broken hearts, a wise yoga teacher once said

So in my last post I wrote about contentment and my striving for new experiences.  I wondered what I was missing right in front of my nose.  It turns out I have a lot of wonderful things in my life and I am content though still curious about life.

I also mused that maybe my striving or "drive" came from a desire to fill emptiness and/or to avoid fear.  I did not explore this further, but I thought it was maybe time to take a look at this.

I do a lot of yoga and recently I went on a retreat to Turkey.  During one of the meditation sessions our teacher opined that many of us meditate in the hope that we can clear our mind of thought, but that this was not the true aim of meditation.  What meditation enables us to do is hear what is behind our thoughts so that we can start to listen to our hearts.  She beautifully summed up by saying "our busy thoughts hide our broken hearts".

And that really sums up why I am so driven.  Like a lot of people my age, my heart has been broken a fair few times (not just boys, other yuk stuff too) but like a true Brit one has soldiered on.  So really is it the case that the constant busyness and apparent "lack" of contentment is actually a band aid?  If I am busy I do not really have the time to consider the sadness and really who wants to consider the sadness, that way leads to tears and the FEAR.

But on reflection, maybe that will be a good thing.  After all, its 40 new things before I turn 40, so I figure that maybe now is as good a time as any to start to face the FEAR.  It is all about balance (or re-balance).

So to that end I have downloaded a meditation app which concentrates on meditations of the chakras.   I will start with Anahata, the heart chakra.

It means "unhurt".

Note:  amusingly I played such app to myself on the London Euston to Stafford train but forgot to plug in my headphones and therefore cleansed the heart chakra of 1.07....I think the fellow passengers were quite grateful really.....*

*some moved carriages muttering "weirdo" but you cannot win them all....

Contentment - its tricky

As I get older it occurs to me that I am not terribly settled and I am always on the look out for the "next thing".  It got me thinking about "contentment" and what that means.

To be content: desiring no more than one has

Plunging into the dictionary I found the following definitions:

"the acknowledgement and satisfaction of reaching capacity"

"in a state of peaceful happiness"

"a state of satisfaction"

"desiring no more than what one has"

Oh crap I think looking at those definitions, I don't think I have ever been "content".  Even my theme for the run up to 40 reeks of discontent.  I am "to do 40 new things by the time I am 40":  so rather than make a list of everything I have achieved, I want to discount that and do new things!  I want to punch myself.

So by doing this, it occurs to me that I must feel that I am missing something or maybe trying to fill an emptiness in me or avoid a fear.  If this is the case then I am definitely missing out on what is right in front of me?

SO, now is the time to write my list of things that I have that make me smile and think "ahhhh, life is good":

• A wonderful (soon to be) 10 year old niece 
• A loving and close family
• My own home
• Independence
• A rather wonderful man who I j'adore and who I am pretty sure j'adores me
• Amazing friends who are there through the laughter and the tears (sometimes the tears of laughter)
• I have seen the world
• I love my job
• I have my health
• An AMAZING shoe collection
• And you know the sun, the stars, nature, blue skies....

Pretty aces.  But there are still places I want to travel too and things I would like to own etc.  So even after my self reflection, am I still a discontented moron?

And then I read in a book by Pema Chodron of a meeting she had with a Native American who was in New York to deliver a series of lectures.  She was surprised that he seemed so at ease in such a busy city and asked him how he achieved this.  His answer was simple:

"my life has taught me to be more curious than afraid"

Phew!  I am like that Native American, I "more curious".  It is not discontentment that drives me but an innate curiosity about life and what it holds and what can be discovered.  Hoooray!*

*curiosity/nosey - same thing... :)